I guess I should count my blessings: I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholism runs in my family, so I could easily be turning to booze instead of sugar for a quick chemical fix in times of emotional and mental stress.
I "watched" myself (a nice turn of phrase that let's one avoid responsibility for one's actions) finish a bag of Trader Joe's chocolate covered pretzels yesterday. I have had that bag for six months or longer, and have been having one to four at a time once in a while over that stretch. Nice sane portions. On Saturday, however, I watched myself bring the bag to the couch instead of just the portion I wanted, and I watched myself finish the bag. 16 pretzels. 600 calories. Needless to say, I felt terrible about half an hour later. But then later in the day, while wandering Chinatown between moments in the crowd at the parade, I stopped in not one but two Chinese bakeries, and had not two but five pastries. Needless to say, I felt even worse. Stomach ache, sugar crash, bloated, etc etc.
Why did I do that to myself? Because I'm feeling sad and sorry for myself for a variety of personal reasons. I'm feeling down, so I turn to the most immediate and reliable form of pleasure I know: food.
This isn't good, not good at all. It's not end-of-the-world bad, especially since I recognize the behavior right away. And it's not even something I think I can realistically stop altogether, because it's simply human nature to do things to make ourselves feel better. But I didn't work out this weekend either, partially because I had a full-ish schedule but partially because I didn't make the time for it.
I love vegetables, and whole grains, and yummy fresh tasty healthy food. I genuinely prefer those foods over refined sugars and other less nutritionally dense foods. 80% of the time. But that other 20%...
You know, some people really swear that the only way to stop themselves from having these small sugar binges is to just cut refined sugar out of their diets entirely. That it's an addiction, and that thinking you can moderate that addiction is fooling yourself. I don't want to believe that those things are true for me. I want to believe that I can have these foods in moderation, work out most of the time, eat well most of the time, and be happy with that.
Okay, I hate to admit it, but I WOULD be 100% happy right now, yesterday's binge and all, if it weren't for the fact that I have this belly. It's not a big belly, it's not, but I carry my weight at my stomach so to me these 5-10 "extra" pounds are really noticeable. I notice them when I sit down and I have to adjust my pants waistband, when I tuck down on my bike and my thighs hit my body on every upstroke, when I wear a thin shirt and I can see the outline of my belly button. Dumb, living-in-LA, looking at fitness model pictures too often sorts of things. Right? Maybe. It's not too crazy to want a better body at least for a while, just to see if I can do it.
But maybe I should hold off on wanting that body until I'm not so sad/stressed, eh?
Okay, time for bed.
4 comments:
This might be a good time for me to confess that I've regained 50% of the weight/fat I had lost since October. I have the "bored eating" problem, where I want my taste buds to be constantly entertained. And when I see new products, I can't seem to help myself. :(
I have also fallen off the wagon of keeping track of my daily food intake. I thought I had gotten to the point where I could accurately trust my portion size judgment, but without the record-keeping, I constantly cheat, even though I am not hungry. And most of the time, I don't even get any sort of satisfaction out of it. Bleh.
I agree that a food addiction -- while with its own host of problems -- is far better than alcohol addiction. I have the same thing with family members, so I am glad that we are avoiding that. :)
Yes, I too want my taste buds to be constantly entertained! I stopped by the break room on the way back from the bathroom just now and found myself looking at all the horrible food choices, then actually said out loud to myself "I'm not hungry, what am I doing here?"
Good for you for confessing. Better to reverse the trend when only half of your ground is lost than when all of it is lost. That is, if you feel like you are in a right mental place to get back to the good habits.
I'm not sure what the answer is. Sometimes I drink lots of coffee or tea to keep my mouth entertained. Sometimes I am perfectly happy with apples and carrots. But sometimes you find yourself with an empty bag where once 16 chocolate covered pretzels were.
Crud. On my way back from the bathroom, I just noticed that a girl scout (a daughter of someone in the company) is making the rounds with the pre-orders for cookies. This means that I'll have to get my precious Samoas somewhere and will have to fight the temptation to eat half the box at a time. Heh. But I am in a good state of mind, so I think it'll be good. :)
Thanks for the encouragement! :)
Wow. I just tried to tabulate the food intake for this weekend and no wonder I was regaining weight!! I was overshooting my burned calories by about 50% the entire weekend. Duuude. I thought at most, I was overshooting by about 10%. Damn. Well, now I know, and now I'll be better about it. :)
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